Posted on June 9, 2015
I feel like corporations have stopped looking at us like consumers and see us now more as cancer incubators. It’s like they have all this extra cancer lying around in warehouses and on huge container ships and they just don’t know what to do with it.
Then they look at us and they see… well, baby birds with their mouths wide open and then, right away, it’s: You get a tumor! And you get a tumor! Everybody gets a tumor!
There must be a reason, right? I mean, why go to all the expense and effort to add cancer causing ingredients into every thing we eat, touch or breathe? They aren’t giving away those tumors out of the goodness of their hearts. That’s not how capitalism works, pal.
My theory is that there’s another major alien invasion coming and this time, we don’t stand a chance. They’ve reconfigured their USB connectors to be incompatible with ours, they’ve got super strong firewalls installed and Jeff Goldblum is too busy selling apartments out in Reseda to save us this time.
The corporations know this, you see, and they’ve got a plan. When the aliens arrive, we just wave the white flags, welcome our new interplanetary overlords and start handing over the diet soda and Chinese dog food.
It won’t take more than twenty years for them to waddle back into space and leave this place marked with a hazmat icon on their interplanetary maps.