Resident Evil: Final Chapter

Holy shit, this is the worst movie since Purge Election Year which was the worst movie I had seen since Face/Off. I knew going in that this wasn’t going to be a quality film but I thought, what with the beer and pizza I was having with it, I would at least be entertained.

Nope.

Is this what all Resident Evil movies are like? This even fails as fan service. More than once, I heard snickering ripple through the crowd as yet another improbable scene plopped into existence without explanation.

Let’s start with the declarative dialog. I mean, 90% of the movie is, “That’s the door we have to get through. Time is running out. Here they come. I’m here for you.” Just short bursts of information that aren’t even necessary because we can see that’s the door you need to get through and we know time is running out because you have an Escape From New York countdown bracelet on and we know they’re coming because we can see them coming and so on.

And then the editing. Holy shit, I’ve never hoped for an editor to be fired and never work again before. The cuts are so hyper-kinetic they actually remove sense from the scene. Half the time, we don’t know how a character got from here to over there. That information was cut out to show us an unintelligible, half second clip of someone’s unidentified hand going by.

Also, sound designer. You’re fired, too. Just ugly white noise being blasted at us at random intervals for two hours. Get out.

It’s pretty obvious Paul W. S. Anderson wishes he had directed The Matrix but enough with the stealing, already. Also, maybe hire a writer next time? The deaths of characters who mean nothing to us add no value or gravitas to the story.

Oh, and that brings up another thing. Casting agent: EVERYONE LOOKS THE SAME! Since they don’t have interior lives, it’s really hard to tell them apart. I thought Ali Larter’s boyfriend had already died three times before he actually did.

And then… And then… the motherfucking betrayal of all storyteller betrayals….

SPOILERS FOLLOW

You don’t EVER raise the stakes and then negate the threat after the fact. That’s just fucking bullshit. You don’t say over and over, “But Alice if you set loose the antivirus, you’ll die, too.” and then have her survive because the antivirus only killed the T-Cells in her body… whatever the fuck that means.

Oh, and you’re seriously going to call this the final chapter and then end with a call to action?

This is the most cynical, manipulative piece of horse shit I’ve seen… well, since Purge Election Year.

Go see Rogue One again. Go see Arrival again. Hell, drag out that old DVD of Escape From New York. Avoid this. It’s a waste of time.

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