Posted on September 21, 2018
How do you know if you’re in a horror movie or an adventure film? Are you Ripley or are you Indy? Or, for that matter, are you the first Ripley or the second?
After the jump, some easy ways to tell…
Are you in a horror movie or an adventure film?
- Can you kill it with ordinary weapons? If yes, you are in an adventure film. You still might die but probably not in a truly horrible way. If no, you are in a horror film and you are going to die nastily.
- Can you kill it with something supernatural? Uh… either way, you’re in a horror film.
- Are there lots of them? If yes, then you’re probably in a scary adventure film like Aliens because even though you can kill them there are lots of them. Horror contains a large component of dread and that usually means being stalked by one unstoppable thing (as in It Follows).
- Do you have a goal other than to survive? If yes, you’re in an adventure film and those nasty things are just in your way. If no, then you’re in a horror film and you’re going to die nastily.
- Did it start hunting you after you had sex? If yes, you’re in a horror film, bitch, and it’s your own damn fault. Everybody knows you don’t have sex in a movie unless it’s porn.
- Are you lucky? If yes, you’re probably Bruce Willis. Relax, you got this.
- Are you invincible? If yes, you’re in a bad adventure film. Your first name is probably Arnold, Jean Claude, or Dolph.
Will you survive?
- Are you the last one left? If yes, then your odds are about 50/50 depending on the quality of the film and the bravery of the director. Really good horror films (The Descent, The Grudge, The Omen, The Thing) don’t have survivors because they never allow order to be restored. If no, then your odds are one in however many people are left.
- Do you have a backstory? If yes, then you stand a pretty good chance of survival. Look at your friends, do you know anything about them other than their name and some scraps of information like their job and that they dress stupid? If no, then you’re probably the main character and you’re back up to a 50/50 chance of surviving. Congrats!
- Do you dress stupid? If yes, your time is near. Make peace with death. Tell your parents you love them.
- Are you carrying a gun even though it has been plainly proven that guns don’t kill the thing that’s chasing you? If yes, you are going to die pointlessly shooting that gun and screaming.
- Are you smart enough to figure out its weakness? If yes, you are the main character of a so-so horror film and you’re definitely going to survive, but only after confronting the one thing you fear most that was clumsily set up during Act I.
- Do you make a lot of jokes? If yes, then you are going to die right before the protagonist either kills it or gets killed by it depending on how good the movie is. The lamer your quips, the more satisfied the audience will be when it tears you apart.
- Did you uncover the thing that set it loose? If yes, you died long before you got a chance to read this.
Hope this helps!