Look around at the world today and ask yourself where the pervading sense of ignorance, dystopia and lurking apocalypse comes from. What gives the fear mongers at Fox the ammunition to cow 48 percent of the nation that won World War II all by itself*? What makes people turn away from rational thought and try to place an age on the planet that isn’t even mentioned in the Bible?

Scientists. I blame scientists. Those psychopaths in white lab coats who want to appease aliens, create radioactive monsters, fifty foot tall women and men, set off bombs that make all manner of insects and animals grow to enormously destructive size. Those bastards who should have been put in prison long before they were given the keys to the atomic kingdom.

I mean, why wouldn’t Republicans shun climate change science after seeing the exact same guys in white coats inadvertently create giant grasshoppers with their “science” experiments? Why wouldn’t fundamentalist primitives try to infiltrate the school board to keep that kind of reckless thinking out of textbooks? Who wants our kids learning out to create giant spiders in school?

Who wanted to make a deal with the vicious vegetable from The Thing? The scientist. Who wanted to let the giant artichoke take over the world in the aptly titled “it Conquered The World.”? The scientist. Who tried to pave the way for the pod people to take over the world in both Invasions of the Body Snatchers? Okay, well, he was a psychologist and that’s a “soft” science, but you could say he was a science type guy.

Who created the first monster? Frankenstein. The original guy in the white lab coat.

Decades of widely publicized fuckups by these guys have served as a warning to people and corporations who would prefer not to believe in expensive stuff like climate change and the pointlessness of declaring war on an inanimate object like drugs.

I mean, is it the fault of corrupt politicians and greedy businessmen that we opted to create nuclear reactors based on a design that was widely known to be flawed and dangerous? No! It was the fault of the scientists. Chernobyl and Three Mile Island are plainly the fault of the scientists who warned us not to build those reactors.

And now we’re finally free of those malignant bastards. Rational thought has been defeated and we’re free once again to believe in superstition and unfounded theories based on anecdotal and apocryphal information.

I feel better already.

* Based on rigorous study of John Wayne movies

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