tl;dr: Don’t. Just don’t. Stream Get Smart (2008) instead.

I’m just going to come out and say it. I like Anne Hathaway. I think she is very good actress and emotive and beautiful and I tend to want to see the movies she’s in. I don’t understand the hate but then I don’t know her personally.

I’m also a big fan of Jason Sudeikis. We’re the Millers (2013) is one of the most criminally underrated comedies of all time.

As a time travel movie junkie, I would be remiss if I didn’t add that one of my all time favorites, just after FAQ About Time Travel (2009), is Timecrimes (2007) which was directed by Nacho Vigolondo who directed this piece of shit.

Spoilers for Colossal follow…

The last time I did a fatal double-take like this was when I was a kid and The Days of Wine and Roses came on TV. I saw Jack Lemon was in it and I was committed. Jack Lemon was one of my favorite comedic actors. I had seen him in such classics as Some Like It Hot, How To Murder Your Wife (a delicious peak into pre-feminist America), and The Odd Couple.

And as I sat there mesmerized by the soul crushing collapse of a couple falling helplessly into a debilitated state of utter alcoholism I began to get the idea that someone had played a mean trick on me.

There are a lot of parallels with The Days of Wine and Roses and Colossal.

If you watched the commercials or trailers, you could be forgiven for thinking this was going to be a comedy. First of all, the concept is ludicrous (though it could have been pulled off with an adequate screenplay that had some sense of focus and purpose). Secondly, they pulled the five slightly humorous scenes from the movie and nothing else. And thirdly, all of the stars are known for comedic work in the past.

Let me tell you what it’s really about.

An irresponsible woman, sliding into alcoholism moves into her dead parents’ home back in some unnamed small town to drink herself to death. She runs into a man from her past who used to be a terrible, mean spirited, irredeemable child, but who has grown into a  terrible, mean spirited, irredeemable adult alcoholic hoarder. Also, there are a couple of other alcoholics in the mix.

Now here’s the part that doesn’t belong in this movie: Whenever Anne steps into a certain children’s playground a Kaiju appears in Seoul, South Korea and mimics every move she makes. This causes a lot of damage and loss of life, obviously.

When Jason’s character steps into the playground, he appears in Seoul as a giant robot.

They fight. She wins. He is not redeemed and, by the end of the movie, we’re not even sure if Anne is going to give up drinking.

Ta-Dah! The Aristocrats.

There is really no other story here. A bad boyfriend who was probably abusive in one draft is just annoying in the final product. There is no explanation for why Jason’s character does the awful things he does, though he might be jealous Anne chose to sleep with his good looking young friend alcoholic. No one changes. No one grows. No one learns a very special lesson. Nothing is achieved and nothing is lost. Nothing is even ventured.

The only thing I can think of is that Nacho made a whole different movie and the studio cut this steaming pile together because they had no idea how to market it.



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