The Dark Tower

TL;DR: This is the worst “adaption” of a Stephen King novel since he forced filmmakers to take his name off Lawnmower Man

I’m not much of a fantasy guy, but I love the Dark Tower series. This movie has nothing to do with those books.

Spoilers for The Dark Tower follow.

When I saw that Matthew McConaughey (did no one at the start of his career offer him some advice about having a name people could spell?) and Idris Elba, I thought my dream movie was about to be made. As we all know by now, that didn’t happen.

Okay, I just took a break to look up Akiva Goldsman because I was under the impression he had written a bunch of good stuff, but looking at the string of template driven flops he’s been responsible for, the suck that is The Dark Tower now makes perfect sense.

He’s also responsible for the awful I, Robot and I Am Legend and Lost In Space and two terrible Batman films so I can say without hesitation that his derivative. cut & paste storytelling has actual ruined many adaptations of my favorite books.

So, all I’m going to say here is that they abandoned the source material and came up with a standard hero’s journey with zero surprises that leaves the viewer totally disengaged for the entire movie.

One note of hope: This failure in the theater means that in a year or two we could see a Netflix or HBO or Hulu series based on the books. That’s what The Dark Tower’s long, sprawling story really needs. They could do ten episodes a year and go for seven years before they ran out of material.

From my lips to Hollywood’s ears.

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